Help for loved ones of Sex Addicts:
How could He do this?
The Shock, the Horror, the Disgust
If it is any consolation, the addict in you life may have have been wondering this same thing.
There is a cycle of sexual addiction that draws them in. It draws them
away from reality and they amnesia what the addiction does to them.
They are not thinking about the future about how it will affect you or even
themselves. They are not thinking about the past and how it has always
hurt them. They are stuck in the present - in the moment.
It is very much like the story of how to cook a frog to death. I
am sorry for awful metaphor but it is what really happens. You have heard of how to cook a frog to
death. Put them in a beaker of water and with a Bunsen burner, turn up
the heat very slowly. The frog doesn't perceive the change in
temperature and so it never hops out. So it is with the sex addict.
The addiction has created such denial because it is an addiction, the addict
is so insensitive to what it is doing to themselves and their family. If the addict were plunged
into something hot reality of sin, of the broken marital vows, the broken
trust, the lying, the putting their spouse at risk for disease, the effects
on finances and work, they would never do it. If they start to feel
the pain of their "acting out" (as it is called, because they are acting out
feelings rather than feeling them) they often acting out more.
So the sex addict in your life didn't just decide one day to break their
marriage vows or do some sexual behavior that doesn't make any sense to the
rest of his life. It can be seen as an addiction.
Now it all makes sense, but it doesn't make sense
Dealing with the confusion of it all
You may have felt more confused and in the dark before you realized that you
were living or dating a sex addict. The secrecy, the lies, the
minimizing, the constant looking at other women. You might have felt
like he used you sexually. Did he pout or fall apart if you didn't
have sex? Did you feel that sex was the most important thing
emphasized in the relationship?
You might have known something
was wrong, but couldn't put your finger on it? He might have
been such a good guy or a nice guy. He might have treated you right in
every other way.
He told you that all men need sex and the way to love him was to have sex
with him. This might have made you feel responsible to keep him from
stumbling into lust. Little by little you became an enabler without
realizing it. It would have been easier to spot his alcoholism or drug
addiction, but sex addiction? How does one measure this?
He might have been grumpy, angry
or
distant. Little did you realize that these moods could have been after
he binged on pornography. Rather than deal with his own shame, he
could have blamed you for the slightest of things. You might have wondered why he wasn't
interested in you sexually. On the other hand, his constant
interest in sex might have made you feel that he would never betray your trust.
Studies have shown that the average couple has sex approximately once a
week. This really varies with where you are in your life. Do you have
children, or you both working real hard? Sometimes people who are busy
and have children only get together for sex 1 or 2 times a month.
The average couple may have
sex anywhere from 1 to 4 times a month. Having sex every day is 7
times the national average. The addict may have told you that you are
a prude or undersexed. Perhaps they have a problem with wanting it too
much? But amount
isn't necessarily the determining factor.
Does he
ignore major issues?
Does he numb himself with other substances, like
alcohol, drugs, pot, or work?
Does he have black and white thinking,
which is a characteristic of addiction in general?
Does he have
trouble with intimacy --that is being his true self without feelings of rejection?
Does he suffer from lower self esteem, but over compensate with bragging
and grandiosity?
Is he checking out other women in magazines, TV or
movies, where you notice him staring or going into a trance?
Was he
promiscuous before you met him?
Did he have a childhood where his
parents were rigid, black and white and low on the affection scale?
Does he have trouble sharing his feelings, but if he does share it is mostly
anger and irritability?
Have you
caught him looking at porn or masturbating and he promises never to do it
again, only to break his promise later?
Has he blamed you for the
problems in the relationship and take very little responsibility for
himself?
It is not about you, but it affects you.
How to break free from feeling responsible.
It is so tempting think that there is something you did or didn't do to
cause this. We feel very powerless when we find that our spouse has
acted out sexually or has a sexual problem. Instead of admitting
that we are powerless over their problem, their life, their behavior, we tend to take
too much responsibility. Working with victims of trauma from stabbing,
gunshots and rape, each one tends to find someway they could have prevented
this. This is common. Vulnerability is not a pleasant emotion to face and
rather than feel it and experience it, we would rather feel that we were in
control of the situation. This may defy reality, but we would rather
have the illusion of control than admit we didn't have control. This
is sometimes how we process being connected with a sex addict. So, how does
that happen? We make ourselves responsible in some way. Here are some
things to consider:
Did your spouse have this behavior before they
entered the relationship? Did you spouse try to make your responsible for
their behavior? Does he/she blame you? Do you feel insecure about
your sexuality, your looks or the marriage? Have you been victimized
physically, emotionally or sexually as a child? We tend to take on the
responsibility of the offender while they take little responsibility.
We then find someone who fits our past emotional makeup.
What do I do now?
Steps toward healing and recovery for you.
Awareness Acceptance Action
These three are simple ways to
to think of the process of going through what you are going through.
Awareness is about becoming aware of what addiction is. What is really
going on in your relationship with them, with yourself, with the both of
you. Denial is the opposite of awareness. Denial isn't
necessarily lying, but a total unawareness that there is a problem or that
the behavior even exists.
Acceptance is what follows. We
may say, (unconsciously) I can accept this. I don't want to deal with
this. I can't handle this. I can't believe this. It takes
time to accept this. The addict themselves can't get better either
until they accept that they have a problem. Oftentimes the spouse's
lack of acknowledging that there is a problem helps the addict stay in
denial. When we accept that this is really happening, it leads us to
taking some kind of action.
Action. This is the scary part.
If we thought just looking at all this was difficult, just thinking of what
action to take is more scary. Some of us are so angry, it is easy to
throw them out. We react rather than respond. The addict sense
this and might not take us seriously. They count on our ambivalence.
When we are prayerful, seek God in the matter and respond in love it usually
works out well. Love is not always a warm fluffy feeling that all is
well. It is extending oneself for another's spiritual benefit.
It might be loving to ask them to leave. It might be loving to ask
them to go for treatment. It might be loving to forgive them and give
them a second chance. But each of these actions could also be
unloving. The person who has been to treatment 3 times and is still
counting on you waiting for them to go to their 4th round of treatment.
Forgiving them which enables them to continue on and on without any
consequences it not loving either. Asking them to leave because we
want to manipulate and coerce them into treatment or sexual sobriety is not
honoring their free will. So it takes great discern to know what to
do. Whatever you do it is usually more helpful when there is support
for your decision and you are committed to sticking with your decision for
awhile.
Treatment Considerations? What you should know about how treatment should go
A man came in for treatment. His wife caught him on the
internet. She knows he has a problem with pornography. But does
he? So, he comes in for treatment. Goes a few sessions. He
says that the therapist didn't think he was a sex addict? What
happened? Here are some things to consider and guidelines for good
assessment and treatment.
A counselor can only go on what is
presented to them. If someone comes in and doesn't share everything,
they may not be able to help the person see that they have a problem.
should the therapist have a hidden agenda, assuming that the person who
looks at pornography is an addiction. We don't think so. This
would be poor therapy. What can help the situation. Having the
spouse come in to treatment can help get a clearer picture. Sometimes
the sex addict says that his spouse doesn't want to come in. It is too
painful. But in reality, he is telling her that she should come in
because it is his therapy. (the addiction is dividing and conquering
here)
The spouse may write an email, letter or try to talk on
the phone to inform the therapist of his actions. There are spouses
that have yelled through the phone that the therapist should be talking with
his sponsor to get data. This process is called triangling and often
ends up looking like tattling. Is it beneficial? Not really.
Is the information necessary. It could be. The best situation is
where the spouse shares the concerns in therapy with the sex addict present.
This helps build communication in a safe place. The therapist is not
dialoguing with the spouse "behind their back" which could break trust.
The therapist is not going to be misquoted by the spouse as well. When
a spouse feels helpless, angry and scared it is easy to borrow the voice of
the therapist and put in things that they didn't actually say.
The
spouse or coaddict often needs a safe place to talk about what is going on.
Should the go to the same therapist as the sex addict? There are
advantages and disadvantages of each.
Some advantages
are:
The therapist is more likely to have a better picture
of what is going on by getting both sides.
It might be able to preserve the integrity and
structure of the marriage. If one goes to any therapist, the
spouse may paint a picture of how bad the addiction is, and how innocent
they are. This also happens when the sex addict has clearly
violated the marriage and he wants to talk about his wife's flaws.
Some joint sessions helps prevent this.
It saves on cost because the therapist is more likely
to get the bigger picture and when the there are letters of
clarification or processing of what has happened, each doesn't have to
buy an extra session to process it separately.
Some disadvantages are:
There can be bias on the part of the therapist.
Is she for the sex addict or for the co-addicts interests? There
can easily be a conflict of interests.
The therapist can be triangled into the conflict of
the sex addict and co-addict, thus acting out there anger.
These are just a few considerations for therapy.
Consider someone who is well-trained. There are
certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) who are trained according to
the research of Dr. Patrick Carnes one of the founders of treatment for
sex addiction.
Consider the distance. One could be going to
treatment for some time. While you may stop from time to time, it
is worth finding someone close if they are going to be effective.
If not, it might be advantageous to drive the extra miles.
Consider a task oriented therapy for the addict.
There are certain tasks that will improve the success of treatment.
Some include, attending 12 step meetings, SA,
SAA, or
SLAA. Writing Steps 1,
and Step 4 and making amends are important. Understanding triggers
and the sexual arousal template and family of origin issues are vital as
well.
Consider that therapist that has a balance between
comfort and challenge. Most addicts/coaddicts in recovery need both.
They need someone to challenge them when they are complacent, in denial
and going to make a huge mistake. They also need nurturing when
they feel so down and hopeless that they can't go on.
There is hope for recovery. Continue to read a learn about
addiction and take the steps necessary for recovery and you will make
progress. The "failures" we hear about can be boiled down to not
working a program. If one works a program they will get get.
Co-addicts need a program of recovery as well. This is often
overlooked. Finding your own journey in healing will help not only
you, but also indirectly help the addict and your family.
Boundaries A video about getting better boundaries between you
and the addict
